I have an issue with perfectionism due to an abusive upbringing by extremely strict perfectionist parents where nothing was ever good enough. Long story short, what happens in my mind is that whenever I make a mistake, instead of allowing space and time to learn and correct the mistake, my mind spirals and checks out, and numbs itself into distraction mode. It’s a trauma response from childhood where a mistake is met with “I am screwed no matter what, here comes the punishment,” and it wasn’t emotionally or physically safe to exist. So now even after there is distance from the original caregivers, the trauma response plays itself out with other “authority figures”…and instead of the mind actually resolving the mistake or problem, it loops and distracts as a way to protect itself.
But since I’ve been on a path of meditation and emotional self healing, I wanted to understand how I could help myself. I started researching today and found this really good video about perfectionism and the part of the brain that the trauma response activates (Medial frontal gyrus) is the part that goes into panic mode and shuts down. This video explains it well: https://youtu.be/Eaqb0qeOOeY?si=EgVzWcrKL_lEGLYr
In the video, he talks about how a healthy response would be to slow down and focus the mind to fix the issue. But since the traumatized body-mind is unable to do that, the solution for the trauma response is to slow down and bring attention and awareness to the experience. Slowing down and bringing attention to the problem and solving it with that clear mindful space activates a different part of the brain called the medial cingulate cortex. This gave me an idea because I have been using the C5 for meditation purposes- to bring awareness with equanimity to the inner sensations of the body is the key to bringing calm and peace to the body at a deep inner level. But instead of doing body scan techniques as some vipassana retreats would instruct, I merged with the C5 PEMF device to bring up the body sensations as I simply practice open awareness meditation- simply sitting with whatever sensations arise. This brings me deeply in touch with the inner body sensations (the preverbal trauma responses etc) and when those sensations are met with equanimous awareness, it just dissolves.
So I was able to make use of this information - this afternoon I encountered one such situation where my mind went into a trauma loop- where I had “disappointed a perfectionist authority figure” and I just started reaching for all sorts of distractions like overeating food, binging on random videos, expecting them to numb my inner emotional turmoil. Luckily I came across this video, and decided to experiment with my C5- I hooked up to my coils, settings don’t really matter in this case because I just need to feel the inner body sensations… and then just sat there for an hour in meditation. By the end of the hour, my trauma loop had stopped. And it felt like I had come out of a deep trance. Felt calm and clear, and the issue didn’t bother me much afterwards as the inner mind/body trauma loop had the chance to complete itself- although I feel more of an inclination to distance myself from that “authority figure.”
The guy in the video says: “You don’t have to fix it. Just slow down and pay attention to the problem.” Except I went one level deeper: not just paying attention cognitively, I went straight through the body, the place where all the “not good enough” terror is stored. So PEMF becomes like a spotlight:
-It stirs the deep layers.
-The old survival currents surface as sensation.
-I remain as awareness, letting the inner waves arise and fall… which is the rewiring.
I have started practicing PEMF meditation in this way every morning and evening and it brings me deep peace, and I found a very useful application for it. I am so glad for that. Thanks.